Those that know me might consider me to be somewhat of a ‘femmo’. That’s all right, I guess. I think most people are in this day and age (riding the third wave ohhhyeeeahh). But I am the first person to put my hand up and bash my own gender when it is deserved. And frankly, it’s happening more often than not nowadays. Case in point being the rise of the Basic Bitch.
Before all women, everywhere, assume I am referring directly to them let me say two things: 1. Ego, much? 2. Relax, everyone possesses some basic bitch tendencies, even the fellas. It’s just modern day herd mentality. But what pushes you over in to full-blown, Mia-Freedman-reading, Bikram-yoga-going Basic Bitchness? I have put together a few tell-tale signs…
Basic Bitch Key Indicators
1. Instagram: Probably where Basic Bitches started, before they migrated to Etsy and Pinterest. I put my hand up and confess, I have an Instagram. That’s how I can spot you all. Yes, I post pictures of my food, occasionally my pets (they are awesome and include chickens) – Basic Bitches do these things in abundance. But also post “motivational” bullshit like this every 2 seconds:
2. You always know and rock what’s ‘on-trend’: I know a girl who goes to a posh design school. She is a Basic Bitch of the highest order. So much so that, when on campus, she hides her Grazia magazine behind a Frankie. On-trend atrocities include (but are not limited to): peplums, PVC, contrasting collars, wide brim hats, paisley, anything ‘BOHO’, suits with shorts and of course, the most hideous crime against fashion ever to be repeated – neon. Seriously girls, neon? Pardon my French but neon is fucking hideous. It didn’t look good in the 80s and by Jove, it doesn’t look good now. I’d rather colour myself in, head-to-toe, with yellow highlighter than wear a neon item – and it’d probably be better for my health. Basic Bitches: brought to you by Stabilo Boss. BASIC.
3. You watch, and are emotionally invested in, ANY of the following TV shows: Offspring, The Voice, Farmer Wants a Wife, My Kitchen Rules, Revenge, Girls, Once Upon a Time, Downton Abbey, The Real Housewives of Where-the-fuck-ever, The Big Bang Theory, Grey’s Anatomy, Modern Family, Project Runway, The Block, The Biggest Loser, Packed to the Rafters, Dance Moms… I could seriously spend days writing this list. You probably watch Q&A (on mute while you make gym playlists on Spotify) because you’re “totes political.” You DEFINITELY watch Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones and Dexter because you are into thought-provoking drama… because you’re so deep and shit. BASIC.
4. You ‘nest’ with other Basic Bitches: This applies to so many ladies I went through school with it’s not funny, but that’s North Shore private girls schools for you. They hang on to the exact same group of girlfriends, who are all now (surprise, surprise) basic bitches too, probably all work in either marketing, events or HR and live somewhere similar to where they grew up, but perhaps slightly more ‘cosmopolitan’. In our case it’s Crows Nest and Cammeray. There’s more to life than your comfort zone. BASIC.
5. This hairstyle:
6. You listen to Triple J because it’s “alternative”: Newsflash lovelies – Triple J hasn’t been “alternative” for more than a decade. Sure, it may play your favourite acts like Gotye, Skrillex, Muse, Kings of Leon, Mumford and Sons, Sia. But bitch, wake up and smell the mediocrity because EVERY RADIO STATION IN THE WORLD EVER PLAYS THEM. I’m not dissing the J’s, they still do some good things. But we all know you’d rather listen to Kyle and Jackie-O when cruising around in your Barina. Because you just don’t think Sam Simmons is funny. BASIC.
7. You ‘check-in’ at the gym, ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME: Ugh. No one cares about your cross-fit/kettlebellls/burpees. Your ‘on-trend’ exercise bores the entire world, who just want to enjoy their calories in peace. I checked in at the gym once, everyone laughed, it was great. Then I never checked in again – I still went, still did my workouts, but kept it to myself. The world kept turning. Imagine that! BASIC.
8. You change your dietary intolerance to match your mood: I know plenty of girls who have become gluten-intolerant over the past few years. Now that carbs aren’t being lambasted as much they are starting to pick up the pasta again – funny that. I LOVE the girls who are organic, fair-trade only from Monday-Friday then drink their bodyweight in Bacardi Breezers come Saturday night. Ha! I even knew a girl who matched her diet to her current boyfriend. Vegan one day, McChicken the next. Just eat what you want. BASIC.
9. You LOVE gay guys, but secretly don’t support gay marriage: I try not to throw shade on Basic Bitches for their silly ways but seriously, UGH. You are the worst. You’re the girl front row at Mardi Gras, dressed like Katy Perry, watching the parade and treating it like everyone’s come dolled up to entertain you, not celebrate a vibrant culture and push for equality. Look at the dancing monkeys in their chaps! Wouldn’t it be funny if we let them get married? Will you sign our petition? Of course you will, you have the Will and Grace box-set at home. But deep down, you just know that marriage is supposed to be between a man and a woman. But supporting marriage equality means you are socially aware and progressive! Wait… marriage equality means lesbians can get hitched too? Ewwwwwww. BASIC.
10. You probably call girls Basic Bitches all the time out of your own insecurities… oops. BASIC.
If you find yourself nodding in agreement with the majority of these, then you might just be a Basic Bitch. And that’s ok. Just be the biggest, bestest Basic Bitch you can be. And don’t let some weird, highly un-fashionable, non-Pinterested writer on the internet get you down. It might be your first step in being not basic, but a just regular bitch. From there, the world is yours!